In the architecture of the soul
by charliespike18
Summary: FORCE AWAKENS SPOILERS 'She's not expecting the nightmares. It hindsight she's not sure why. She wakes, heart beating fast and already on edge. The darkness surrounds her and the white of the snow still clear in her mind. The name 'Ben', echoing from a dead man's mouth, rings in her ears.' - Rey and Leia talk in the aftermath of The Force Awakens.


**A/N MAJOIR SPOILERS FOR THE FORCE AWAKENS**

* * *

 _Even after everything we've seen_  
 _We've barely caught a glimpse of what it means_  
 _In the architecture of the soul_  
 _The universe began with our eyes closed_

 _\- Overture, Sleeping At Last_

* * *

She's not expecting the nightmares.

It hindsight she's not sure why.

She wakes, heart beating fast and already on edge. The darkness surrounds her and the white of the snow still clear in her mind. The name 'Ben', echoing from a dead man's mouth, rings in her ears.

Finn's there, Jakku too – the same images flashing before her every time she lets sleep take her.

Sometimes she only dreams of the room in Starkiller where Ren held her. The room she was almost sure she was going to die in.

It's dark still but she doesn't want to risk sleep. Not again, not when it's still so fresh – when it still terrifies her so much.

She leaves the room, not her room - not the one back on Jakku, so far away now – but the one that has been issued to her in the aftermath of the destruction Starkiller.

The door opens and lights, obviously automatic, flash on and it blinds her for a second. Momentarily she's reminded of the sun on Jakku and the heat that accompanied it.

The planet where she'd fought Kylo Ren had been so cold in comparison. Snow still burns though, just like the sun does.

She continues down the hall, lights flicking on in cannon before her. She's not sure where she's going, just trying to avoid the nightmares.

So she just keeps walking.

…

She finds Leia maybe an hour later, darkness still creeping up the walls. The older woman is standing by the strategy table, leaning forward. Rey thinks her eyes may be shut and she doesn't want to disturb her, not after what has happened.

Not after who she has lost.

They'd have the same eyes, she thinks - if Maz was looking at them. The eyes of someone who has lost everyone they hold dear. Everyone who they ever gave a damn about - gone, in an instant. They'd have the same eyes.

Rey turns to leave but something must have given her away. Maybe it's force related but she's not sure - but Leia looks up without speaking. She looks tired, as if she hasn't slept and Rey thinks that from the older woman's perspective she'd look the same.

Leia goes to say something but changes her mind and remains silent. In that moment, Rey thinks of Han - of his death - and they way he called his son's name. The fact that, despite everything, Leia still wants Ben back.

Rey takes a step forward, the door behind her falling to a close.

Leia still doesn't speak. Rey doesn't know that she's still lost in memories. Of her son, of Han. Of her brother.

Rey doesn't know that she was remembering the day her son was born - the look on her husband's face that told her he'd love her forever.

She doesn't know that Leia can still see the way that face changed, hardened back to the way it had been when they'd first met. The way the love fell out of his eyes, replaced with a sense that it had all been his fault. It hadn't - but she'd still blamed him because it was so much than blaming herself.

She wished now that she hadn't done that, hadn't blamed anyone at all. Maybe she wouldn't have lost Han at all - not just back to smuggling but to death, too. He wouldn't have turned back in to that reckless man who took risks and damned be the consequence.

Maybe she wouldn't have lost him, maybe she would - but it doesn't matter because she lost him all the same.

...

Rey sits, her eyes roving the room. Neither woman have spoken in the half an hour since her sudden entrance, both lost to personal reveries and unique nightmares.

She thinks again of Ren - the snow white but stained with blood. Hers, his, Finn's.

She doesn't tell Leia about this - doesn't tell her that she looked into her son's eyes and saw darkness where light should've been. How she saw into his mind and saw how he felt - the fact he still felt the pull of the light after so long living in the dark.

A door opened one way can be walked in both directions.

She doesn't tell Leia.

A X-wing thunders over head, a dull buzzing sound echoing through the room. Somewhere someone shouts into the night - a celebration of success that could easily be a cry of pain.

Leia looks at her then, as if the noise has brought something into clarity for her.

"He's really dead, isn't he?" she says. Rey nods, wondering if the other woman might burst into tears. She doubts it - but there are so many things she's doubted in the last few days that have come through as true.

The lights are dim here, and Rey is half in shadow where she sits. Leia takes a breath and shakes her head, closing her eyes once more.

"I'm sorry," Rey says.

"Don't be. You could never save him, Rey."

For a second she thinks Leia is talking about Han - but it dawns on her that she's talking about Kylo Ren, about her son. About Ben.

She leaves Leia after that. Her words ringing in her ears.

...

She thinks about going back to her room - trying once again to sleep but the risk of nightmares are too great to chance.

So she walks - an intention of going to see Finn floating in the back of her mind.

Halfway to the medical bay a group of orange suited pilots rush past, helmet clutched in gloved hands. One stops, turns to face her then looks away.

He calls something to his fellow officers and turns to her again.

"You're Rey, right?" he asks.

She nods, unsure of who this man is.

"Thank you for saving BB-8," he says "Poe," he adds a second later, his arm outstretched, introducing himself.

She shakes his hand then starts to cry.

She's not sure if it's because it's finally getting to her or that seeing Leia put everything into perspective but she stands in the hall and cries. Just for a moment, then she back again - wiping the tears away and staring at Poe.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she snaps, "Really." she adds. "Don't look so worried."

Then she turns around and walks away.

...

He follows her to Finn, standing by the glass that separates them and every so often giving her a look as if to ask why she's here, in the middle of the night, wandering the halls.

She looks down at Finn then up at Poe. Leia flashed into her mind and she realises that she's made a decision without really thinking about it.

Poe turns to her, a question on the edge of his tongue. But he doesn't speak because she gets their first.

"I want to be the one who finds Luke Skywalker."

Maybe it's the only way to get rid of the nightmares.


End file.
